An MMA Thanksgiving: 2024 All-Turkey Team

ONE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHMAKERS

It would not be Thanksgiving without turkey, and in July, One Championship brought a heaping 263-pound helping of raw, unseasoned and unskilled meat to the table. At One on Prime Video 23, also known as One Fight Night 23, the promotion decided it needed to give Senegalese behemoth Oumar Kane—“Reug Reug,” to most—a fight before his championship bout at the end of the year. Remarkably, the former laamb wrestler won a title a few months later, but that conversation can be saved for another day. This is the tale of when One matchmakers completely ran out of ideas.

It was a bright summer’s day in Singapore when the brass of One Championship decided that even though Kane was booked months down the line, he should have another fight. This came at a time when several members of the roster complained openly, in defiance of One’s anti-criticism clause of the contract, that they had not been booked in ages and wanted to compete. Some were growing older. Others were on the shelf for seeming retaliatory reasons. More just wanted to fight out of the contracts and move on. One Championship, as devious and predatory as any other major fight league out there, played favorites.

To be clear, the event at which Kane ended up competing did not need his presence on the billing. His matchup would serve on the early preliminary card and had practically zero value to fans of any combat sport. Instead of challenging the wrestler with another test under the rules of MMA, one genius board member came up with the brilliant idea of putting Reug Reug in big gloves to let him kickbox. It would not be just any name he would trade with, as they did not want to risk anyone else currently signed to their dwindling roster. Instead, they picked up one of Kane’s countrymen, a fellow wrestler named Mamadou Kamara.

It turned out that Kane and Kamara, who calls himself “Boucher Ketchup,” shared a history with one another. Whether due to past wrestling matches, a personal beef involving a bizarre love triangle or Ketchup not inviting Kane to his birthday party when he was a little boy, no one seemed to have a clue or really seemed to care. Fight Finder staff struggled to even find this guy’s real name, although it mattered little because it was a mess that kickboxing would have to mop up. Few bought in, with most takers simply interested in the “fist go boop” dynamic when two enormous walruses slap into one another. Despite little more than morbid curiosity from fans and pundits alike, the “fight” happened, and One let it happen.

If there was bad blood leading up to the contest, it completely dissipated as soon as referee Olivier Coste said go—as if it was never real to begin with. It was clear within seconds that Ketchup may never have thrown a punch in his life. The gloves designed to contain a closed fist were largely open-handed slapping haymakers with nothing behind them. This wasn’t “Slappers Only” from “Goldeneye.” To the striking tenderfoot, “jab” must have been as insulting as the word “mustard.”

It took Coste 10 seconds before he had to stop Ketchup and tell him the rules of kickboxing. Ketchup didn’t seem to know. Off-balance when flailing his arms around like a loon, he swung with such reckless abandon that his gloves tried to remove themselves from his wrists. He said he would knock Reug Reug out in the second round, but it was immediately obvious the only thing he could knock out was the post-weigh-in meal. Any random video on Worldstar Hip Hop would demonstrate superior technique than Ketchup displayed in the ring for those two-plus ghastly minutes. While Kane is far from a striker on his own merit, he looked like prime Anderson Silva against his sloppy, undisciplined countryman.

With Ketchup swatting everywhere like he was being chased by a swarm of bees, Kane dialed him in and put him down like a sack of oats practically the first time he landed cleanly. Ketchup recovered, but it was clear he did not like getting punched and seemed to have forgotten that kicks were on the menu, too. Kane practically ignored Ketchup’s feeble arm movements, beating on him like Mr. Sandman of “Punch-Out!!” fame on easy mode until he flopped to the floor as if he wanted to try out soccer next.

To paraphrase the great Tito Ortiz, “there was never no fight.” To call that two-minute, eight-second embarrassment a fight would disrespect any melee that has ever taken place. Ketchup should hope that he got paid and laughed his way to the bank, because there are members on the Sherdog staff that would put up a sterner test than he did. Reug Reug would have had more trouble opening an actual glass ketchup bottle than he did in mutual combat on July 5.

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