There are a few tried and true methods of injecting new life into an old television show, such as a surprise pregnancy or a vacation episode. TUF contestants lack the proper biology to pull of the first stunt, so dust off your umbrella Ms. Poppins because we are going to jolly old England!
Sure, they all talk silly, but they do have manners and even their worst sitcom is light years ahead of “Two and a Half Men.”
I had this first review all planned out. I figured it would be comedy gold to do an entire episode review in a cockney accent until I realized that there was more at stake here than just getting easy laughs with lines like “E’s the mutt’s nuts e ‘is.” Once I heard a few of the U.K. contestants talk, it was clear that translating that alone would be sticky enough. Besides, I have a feeling that once the Brits step into the TUF house in Vegas, it will be a sociological experiment that will be steeped in history. However, instead of battling over tea in the harbor, it will be tee-tee in someone’s hair. Yep, that’s the show. .
“Welcome to ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ mother----ers,” said Dana White to the 16 British hopefuls. Each season opener really isn’t christened until White let’s his first f-bomb fly. It’s like hitting a boat with a champagne bottle.
The tryouts at the Wolfslair Academy in England weren’t much different than the tryouts in America other than the fighters being gentleman and the referee repeating “lads” more times than Higgins from “Magnum P.I.”
Gary Kelly and Andre Winner started off the elimination fights and Kelly had a friend at the coach’s table. Michael Bisping was thrilled to see a training partner get a shot. Bisping’s boy looked good too for a minute after being bullied against the fence by Winner.
Kelly then softened Winner up with some heavy elbows from the clinch, followed by a few elbows and uppercuts. Winner then shattered Bisping’s hopes by shutting Kelly completely off with a flush knee that dropped him.
“What’s going on here?” said Kelly afterward, shaking his head. Winner wins and is the first to secure his spot on the boat to America.
Lawson (13-2) was scholarly in his debut for the 155ers. It was takedown, pass, adjust, and submit, thus ending the MMA lesson for the 3-1 James Bryan.
“He’s a nice lad,” offered Lawson, uttering a phrase never used before on this program.
“I am going to beat James Wilks via nasty KO,” warned Che Mills before entering the Octagon, Mills a favorite to possibly win the entire show, according to White. Wilks looked happy to oblige, getting roughed up by Mills early on. After dealing some punishment, Mills got cocky though and left a leg out in the cold too long. He got caught in a heelhook and let Wilks steal his judges’ buzz.
Martin Stapleton (5-1) couldn’t be denied in his bid to become a member of the U.K. team. Dan James had no answer for Stapleton or his hacky sack-esque cauliflower ear. James got worked over from the opening bell until he gave up his back and Stapleton flattened him out for the first-round choke.
Ross Pearson was also raring to get busy.
“You could have put a heavyweight in there; you could have put Bisping in there and I’d have a go,” he said.
Fortunately for Pearson, Bisping was left off the docket and A.J. Wenn stepped in. It was a five-minute clinch war until Pearson unloaded a few knees that had Wenn floating back to his corner at the end of the first round.
The judges wondered if Wenn would even answer the bell, but he did, only to meet Pearson whose ears were pinned back for the kill. Wenn got one kick attempt off before being felled with a left-right combo. The ref called it off at 18 seconds and Pearson grinned at Bisping’s thumbs up from the evaluation table. (FYI, when Pearson says, “have a go,” it’s not like he’s talking about trying the batting cage or something. He really means, “I’m going to whip your ass, stupid.”)
Another fighter up for a go was Tommy Maguire.
“I fight because I can’t sing and I can’t act and it beats work,” he said.
Unfortunately, Tommy was also fighting bigotry in the form of his red hair.
”I know he’s ‘ginger,’” said Osipczak of his opponent. “I’ve never fought a ginger person before so I’m looking forward to that.”
I don’t know how sensitive they are about their hair across the pond, what with those silly parliament wigs and all, but this seemed a tad insensitive and perhaps even politically incorrect.
Maguire seemed poised to give Osipczak his comeuppance on behalf of all of those that burn so easily in the sun. He worked Osipczak over until he gassed out and became a still target for a sound pummeling that was stopped just before the end of the first round.
“Reidenator time!” shouted Alex Reid, using a homemade catchphrase that will probably not be well received in the States. Reid then claimed that he would see into opponent Dean Amasinger’s soul. The Reidenator split the first two rounds with Amasinger, but did all of the talking, eventually outpointing Reid for the decision.
Before the fight between David Faulkner and James Bateman began, Michael Bisping spoke with Dana White about Faulkner, who is a friend of his.
“The thing with Dave, he’s got all the skills. He’s a great wrestler, great standup, the striking, explosive, and the cardio, everything,” said Bisping, before adding the damning, “but mentally, he’s weak.”
Bisping also said that Faulkner was nasty with heelhooks. Faulkner proved the case by causing Bateman to tap almost instantly from one.
“F---ing sick heelhooks,” whispered Bisping to White afterward, happy his buddy kept the fight as far away from his personal head games as possible.
Bisping handed out some jerseys to the eight winners and rubbed his hands together in excitement. Next week, we will find out which Americans will be facing his team.
“These guys all have the killer instinct,” said White. “America better be ready because the Brits are coming over to put the stamp on them.”
I hope you are listening Team America because if that’s true, they’ll not only stamp your ass, but also put taxation without representation on it.